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just a bunch of bile
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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in defectivedog's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
2:51 pm
it occurred to me earlier that we've been together for more than five years. i mean, you were there long before, but i didn't put a name to your face and you didn't start exacting the control that you do over me until then. FIVE YEARS. would you go away, already?

the progression i've watched is like so many i've read about, so very typical, so consummately controlling. i don't look at numbers, i do my best, but i can't ignore you. you're always there, the plague at my heels...
Monday, January 21st, 2008
2:44 am
it's been three years. three years since it really set in, since it became an issue. at first, i didn't think it was. by the time may hit i had to admit it. in the beginning, i thought i was stronger. i read about all of these other people thinking the same thing in the beginning, that it was just a means to an end, that they would be able to stop, and thought that even though they were wrong i was right. i was so conceited. i may be in the 99th percentile of people, i may be one point shy of genius on an iq test, but even i am that fucking stupid.

i was just as weak - weaker, honestly, for believing i was not - than the rest. even though i don't count my calories, i don't write anything down, i rarely purge, it haunts me every day.

i am not better.

will i ever be?
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
2:10 am
a long road, that one
how is it that i can let myself just be okay?

how is it that i can stay aware of what i consume and purge without being obsessive about it? how can i not let these days sneak up on me that the stress finds me and i eat all day? how can i not settle into thinking i'm mostly better and then realizing i've purged at least once every day for a week?

how is it that, now, the first time anyone has ever been good to me or been deserving of my trust, i can't give it to him?

how is that i can be okay with the person i see in the mirror? i already am, for my own sake, but i feel that nobody else is; that will never change if my mind doesn't. it's not true. lately, i am told that regularly. it doesn't feel true, even i can't look the speaker in the eye and think that they would lie to me.

how is it that i explain to my best friend, the only person that knows, that i still do these things even though everything in my life seems okay? how do you tell someone that the prospect of happiness scares you more than anything else could? do you?

how is it that i put the past behind me?

how is it that i shake this?
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
9:18 am
sometimes i am convinced that i am gaining weight. i am convinced that i could not have eaten what i did without gaining any weight, and i step on the scale and i'm lighter than before.

it makes no sense to me. it is a great source of stress.

it found me vomiting in the bathroom at work yesterday, and so happy to do so. i haven't purged in a very long time, much less at work or in a public bathroom. some part of it felt so good, such release for so much disgust, so much bile.

and now, my stomach really hurts.
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
3:34 am
I wonder how freuds_patcient is doing in IP. I hope he's doing well, it's kind of strange to not read his posts every day. I hope he knows people are thinking of him. <3
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
6:31 pm
This journal isn't really friends-only, but anything that includes information that my friends could possibly identify me with will be friends-locked.

I'll add just about anyone who adds me.
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
2:44 pm
I added some people to my friends' list today. You don't have to add me back. I just added you because you seemed interesting/intelligent.
Monday, May 9th, 2005
12:10 am
I'm making this first post to establish that I am not looking to troll any closed communities, I am just not ready to admit my problem to my friends. I am at a point that I am admitting that this is bad for me, that it's causing my health to deteriorate, but I am not at a point that I feel strong enough to recover. I am trying to join a few communities where they are strictly moderated, and I wanted to just comment that I know there are a few communities that welcome pro-ED people. I am in no way pro-ED. It's terrible, disgusting, and not to mention completely unhealthy in any way. I am a member in those communities because they welcome everyone, and I am simply seeking support at the moment. However, I am also in no way anti-ED. I don't pretend to be able to judge people, and I would never tell someone that they have to stop immediately. I'm not ready to stop. When it's happening, it makes me feel good... it's just the rest of the time that it makes me hate myself. From the recovery communities I really want to just talk about what I'm going through and work on ways to find the strength to stop. From the communities that are for people still neck-deep in the disease... well, I am, and I just need support on how to deal with that.

I am going to try to add more to this journal about my personal experiences, but I'm still working up the courage. I need to talk about it, I haven't talked to anyone, but I'm very nervous about putting out in the open air in a place so... public.
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